A Bad Dose of Popstar

Posted: May 3, 2012 in Other Shuff
Tags: , ,

Published in The Connaught Telegraph October 2011

FARMERS have always been programmed to expect the worst. No better coping mechanism really. It makes it a lot easier to deal with summers like the one we’ve just endured. Farming is full of heartache; cattle die unexpectedly, crops fail, pop stars get naked in your field, and machinery breaks down, c’est la vie monsieur agriculteur.

Just one second, “back up the truck their Tom”. I’m no farming expert but since when did pop stars and farming ever get mentioned in the same sentence, naked or otherwise. Throw all your pre conceived notions out the window and set your face to shocked; farmers across the country have another nuisance to add to an infamous list that contains TB and black leg, the dreaded pop star!!

As farmers have only informed of their dangers lately you can imagine the shock felt by Alan Granham from Bangor in Co. Down, when he wandered up to his grain field to get his tractor to find…. I can barely bring myself to even write it, you might want to sit down and pour yourself a half of powers.


You take off your bra and I’ll make the tea

Well as the picture above proves it was actually more half nip but still enough for Alan to tell her to cover up or clear off. If you didn’t know the full details you could envisage a modern-day Bull McCabe roaring “It’s my field yank” at the exposed and confused Barbados native. In reality Mr. Granham had actually granted permission for the award-winning star to film her new music video on his land. Film what though is the question?

Having never met or heard of Rihanna, or any of her people, Mr. Granham was clearly expecting the American version of Ear to the Ground to arrive onto his land. Imagine his shock when instead of a Mairead McGuinness lookalike talking about the price of grain, he was faced with a completely different international sex symbol. One thing for sure Mairead McGuinness never had to strip to get ratings. More’s the pity.

The question is though, should the farmers of Mayo be concerned about rogue semi-naked international music stars? Should they set traps? Is there a poison on the market? Are their livestock at risk?

When contacted the IFA said there has been only one other reported case in the Belmullet area, where Margo was apparently seen dosing sheep while scantily dressed. The IFA are still unsure if the incidents are related but are warning farmers to remain vigilant at all times.

Finally we must pay tribute to Alan Granham who despite the shock and psychological trauma he had experienced, parted with Rihanna on good terms,

“I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God,”

Let’s hope she does, or at least acquaint herself with a good pair of overalls. Then again maybe not.


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