OMG a Culchie

Posted: May 9, 2012 in Other Shuff

Published in The Connaught Telegraph, November 2011

“If I had my way, all yeez culchies would need a passport to come up here, the place is full of yeez”.

It does seem Dublin is full of us country folk these days. Hence the desire for the oh so witty Dub that I encountered to place restrictions on internal travel in this country.

However, he might have slightly over estimated the desire of us non Dubs to take up residence in the capital and turn Bull Island into a modern-day Irish Ellis Island.

Speaking of Ellis Island, one could easily confuse parts of Dublin for New York or Los Angeles.  Anyone looking to experience this Little America in Ireland would be well advised to take a trip on the DART (DORSH).

Being on the DART is like sitting through a crazy demographic experiment. It’s like scientists planted thousands of young Americans in south Dublin to see how they would react in a new environment, and interact with their co-habitants.  Incidentally, not very well as it turns out.

There was I quietly drinking a pint of Smithwick’s in my local Dublin hostelry a few days ago when the young man beside me at the bar said to me with a look of either shock, disgust or amazement, “OMG you are actually the first person I have ever seen drink a pint of Smithwicks, loike what age are you? I’ve never even heard of anyone drinking that”. Before I had the chance to respond he was off to tell the goys about the culchie at the bar.

So you’ll be glad to hear that prejudices against country folk is still going strong. I have been subject to allegations of ungodly acts against farm animals (none of which were actually proven), on a regular basis. Another encounter of note was, “Do youz have the same films and all in Mayo that we have up hee-er?” .

On proudly informing the same learned gentleman who informed me of his new culchie immigration programme that I was from County Mayo, he proceeded to ask me one of the most insightful questions I’ve ever had the pleasure of being asked.


Is that where Mayo-naise comes from?”

As is my duty coming from the birthplace of one of the world’s most enjoyed condiments I responded with a categorical, “Yes, of course, sure where else would it come from, twas one of me neighbours who came up with it”.

I suggest that this man’s passport be confiscated before he’s allowed to further tarnish our already damaged International reputation.

There has always been the Cuchie – Jackine rivalry. (The word Culchie actually comes from Kiltimagh the home of such culchie celebrities as Louis Walsh and Deirdre Kelly).

It goes back to a deep-rooted suspicion of each other and plus the fact that we’re clearly more intelligent and superior in every way. So before you think of leaving the bread and butter of the land take note, farming street cred hasn’t quite reached Dublin just yet.


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